Tuesday, February 28, 2012

31 Weeks

First off I want to say THANK YOU! It brings me to tears to think about the love and support I've received since my last post. I wasn't expecting any of it and continued to feel so blessed with each kind effort that was reached out to me. I started to feel bad with each person that was concerned for me because I am very blessed and there are lots of people going through worse, but it meant the world. I hope you all know that you are the answers to my prayers. When I pleaded for comfort and peace, all of you were placed in my path to cheer me on. I knew before I loved my family and friends, but now I really understand the magnitude of love I have. I wouldn't be the person I am or have the strength I do without all you wonderful people. You all make my heart smile, so THANK YOU!

Here is to 31 weeks pregnant can you believe it, because I can't. I kinda laugh about these pictures. I promise I didn't photoshop my belly smaller. I know it doesn't look like I've really gotten any bigger since 26 weeks but the doctor says I'm growing. Baby girl is just hiding in my back and you better believe I can feel it.

Sunday, February 19, 2012

How many tears?

How many tears can one person shed in one day? Don’t they eventually run out? I can’t seem to console myself tonight and I’m not sure what will help so I’m trying this. I feel like I have so many thoughts, and if I get some of them out there I hope I can be done thinking and grieving over it. I’ve been a little hesitant to be so open, but I know the people that love me will be the ones to understand and support me and I don’t have time to care about the other people who just want to gossip. This is therapeutic for me and what is the point of going through trials if we aren’t able to help others from what we have gone through. Many people that have gone through something similar have been there to shed light for me and I hope by being open I can help others. I know this is only the beginning of my journey but it’s my journey and I don’t want to do it alone so here we go!

My marriage has been on the rocks for many months now due to some issues with trust and communication. Most of them if not all issues were a complete shock and devastation to me. We have been married for almost 4 years and there have been so many wonderful memories and happy times. We started dating my senior year in high school and have pretty much been soul mates since then. Brett is the only person I have loved and was certainly my best friend. This summer we felt our relationship was better than it had ever been and decided it was time to start our family. It was a scary decision but we both prayed about it and felt peace. This baby was 100% planned and we wanted her to complete our family. Seven months later we are getting a divorce (it’s such an ugly word I hate saying it). The last seven months are a blur I don’t understand any of it and I have no answers to your questions. I have spent so much time on my knees pleading with the Lord to fix this. I was willing to endure and change just to be with my husband. Despite the pain and heartache he caused me I needed him and I needed him for this baby. I have come to realize that people change and I thought we were changing in the same direction but that hasn’t been the case.

When something was so good it makes it incredibly difficult to let go. We have been separated since mid December and I miss so many things about him. I miss having a “home”, my “home” has just become a house. I hate being lonely and just not used to it. I miss constant communication with him. I didn’t realize how much we talk during the day until it’s not there anymore. I forget sometimes and reach for my phone to text “I love you” or see what he is doing. I miss seeing the happy goofy Brett. I miss wearing my beautiful wedding ring. It feels so wrong to not wear anything there. About 100 times a day I realize that nothing is there and it takes my breath away. I feel like every day is a constant battle to fight the tears. I miss his affection and his gentle touch. I miss sitting next to him at church and hearing his beautiful voice. Okay you get the picture I miss my husband more than words can express. I wish that missing him were enough to make things better, but it’s not.

(I miss this terribly and wish many times a day I could just relive this happiness for a moment)

I knew I loved Brett and wanted to marry him before he went on his mission, which made him leaving very difficult for the both of us. I hate that I was in that situation I didn’t want to be that girl but I loved him so deeply and couldn’t make it go away. When he left I acted strong for him but inside I was crying every day. I felt so sick I couldn’t eat at first I was a total mess. I felt like he was such a part of me and I just didn’t know how to breath without him and especially for two years. I may have an issue with attaching to things more than is healthy but that is who I am, I’m emotional and passionate. When we got married one thing I said over and over again was I was so happy I never had to let him go and be without him ever again. Eternity wasn’t going to be long enough for me. Now I have to let go again and it hurts worse than the first time. I feel so much grief for my baby girl. I don’t ever want to see her shed one tear because of the struggles of split parents, but I know it’s inevitable. I feel like I’m grieving for all my family that adored Brett. It breaks my heart when they tell me how much they loved him and are really going to miss him.

I have had to put all my trust in my Savior. I don’t understand why my life had to be like this, and I don’t understand what is in store for me, so there is nothing left to do but just trust. All I listen to in my car is the same church CD over and over again because sometimes that all I can do to give me strength to put one foot in front of the other. I hope if I can continue to live my life in accordance with the gospel and be a good mother I will be blessed. It’s hard to wait for those blessings because I feel so lonely and broken now, but in the scope of eternity this is only a small moment. I’ve been so blessed to have amazing friends and family that help me stay positive and keep my chin up. One friend sent me this quote and I love it.

"It isn't as bad as you sometimes think it is, It all works out. Don't worry. I say that to myself every morning. It will all work out. If you do your best, it will all work out. Put your trust in God, and move forward with faith and confidence in the future. The Lord will not forsake us."--President Gordon B. Hinckley

I love my Savior and know that he doesn’t want me to cry or be unhappy. I know he is just a prayer away to comfort me and I can do hard things with him by my side.

Despite finding ourselves on two different paths I hope we will both be able to find happiness in our life. We are both excited for the birth of our baby girl and all I can ask is that we are able to give her the love that she needs.

I have much more to express, but it's late and I know I need my sleep to be able to tackle tomorrow. So here goes the dreaded hour of laying still and letting my thoughts consume me until I get so tired I fall asleep.

With Love


P.S. I do not expect readers to comment or console me. I just needed someone to listen and that became my dear blog. I know this is awkward and difficult for everyone. The thing I need the most is a smiling friend!

Wednesday, February 8, 2012

Week 28

I justed wanted to leave a little note for everyone that has left comments, or reached out with their love and concern. I can't tell you how much you all mean to me I truly am so blessed. I sincerely apologize to those that I haven't been the best friend lately. I wish I would have been around to support you all in your life a little more and sorry for the moments I've missed. I love you more than you will ever know.

Sunday, February 5, 2012

Peace in my Savior

My soul is so full of peace and gratitude today and I need to write down these thoughts from this moment of strength I’ve had for the times I don’t feel so strong.

The past couple months have been a whirlwind of emotion that I never thought I would go through. I had a beautiful life and I didn’t think I could be happier. Now that I look back I think I was complacent although I was happy I know a greater happiness is possible. I truly believe all the trials we face are for a purpose and help us grow. I have learned so much about myself and others in the last few months. My testimony has been strengthened and I am a stronger more caring and compassionate person. I’m not ready to share details of what is going on. It’s hard not to share sometimes because of the untrue rumors I’ve heard are really hurtful, but in the end it doesn’t matter. What matters is my relationship with my Savior and the efforts I’ve made to be closer to him.

I can truly say I’m grateful for the trials that have been placed before me. For the endless hours of tears that have been shed because it has allowed me to undeniably feel the Saviors mercy. I’m my darkest moments of despair I feel his presence and his strength. I’ve never felt it so strong and so real. I wish I could share the physical comfort I feel with those that have a wavering testimony because it is UNDENIABLE. Many days I wondered how I will take my next breath let alone tackle a whole day. I manage to put one foot in front of the other and take the day one moment at a time. I know I’m not doing this alone but it’s the Lord carrying me. I had to come to a point where I put all my faith in my Savior and let him guide me. It’s amazing to me how much our attitude and willingness to love changes when it’s the Saviors love acting instead of a broken hearts.

I have prayed very hard for peace because I’ve been so worried about my little growing munchkin. I know the emotional state I have been in hasn’t been the best for my health and it terrifies me it could have a negative impact on the baby. I feel so blessed to be able to finally feel peace within myself. A quote I put on my yearly goal poster is “Life isn’t about waiting for the storm to pass. It’s about learning to dance in the rain.” I understand more clearly now that I have a choice I can choose to focus on all my blessings or I can wallow in my sorrow. I have so much to be grateful for especially my strengthened relationship with God and my Savior Jesus Christ.

Every time I feel like I can’t do it any longer, I’ve been blessed with people along my path that have restored a little more faith, a little more hope. I hope I learn to stop saying I can’t do things because you can do a lot when you let Christ carry you. Philippians 4:13 “I can do all things through Christ which strengthens me”. I feel more hope because I know that I have changed and my positive attitude has the power to do hard things.

I’m grateful for a husband that loves me and will forgive me when my words aren’t kind. I love my husband a lot and know that true love can withstand a lot. My husband is a great man and has been given some trials out of his control that I can’t even pretend to know how that must feel. I know that he is a strong person because the Lord doesn’t give us trials we can’t overcome. I hope that people will not place any judgment on either of us because there are so many layers to what we have gone through. I honestly don’t know what my future looks like, which has been very difficult some days. I do know that if I live my life by the spirit I will be happy and that is all I can ask for. My trust is in the Lord.

I know that the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints is the true church. I have felt my Saviors love every time I’ve turned to him in prayer, and I’m so grateful for that. I am so grateful to be able to attend the temple and for temple marriages. I will be the first to say a temple marriage doesn’t make things perfect and easy, but it does put Christ at the center of your marriage and help you remember how sacred it is when you feel there is nothing left to give. God is real and his plan of salvation is the only way to truly be happy and return to him. I pray that I will continue to grow and learn from this trial and that I will be able to be the best mom and wife I can be.

I love the power of music I probably could have just pasted in the lyrics to this song because it’s exactly how my heart feels.