How many tears?

How many tears can one person shed in one day? Don’t they eventually run out? I can’t seem to console myself tonight and I’m not sure what will help so I’m trying this. I feel like I have so many thoughts, and if I get some of them out there I hope I can be done thinking and grieving over it. I’ve been a little hesitant to be so open, but I know the people that love me will be the ones to understand and support me and I don’t have time to care about the other people who just want to gossip. This is therapeutic for me and what is the point of going through trials if we aren’t able to help others from what we have gone through. Many people that have gone through something similar have been there to shed light for me and I hope by being open I can help others. I know this is only the beginning of my journey but it’s my journey and I don’t want to do it alone so here we go!

My marriage has been on the rocks for many months now due to some issues with trust and communication. Most of them if not all issues were a complete shock and devastation to me. We have been married for almost 4 years and there have been so many wonderful memories and happy times. We started dating my senior year in high school and have pretty much been soul mates since then. Brett is the only person I have loved and was certainly my best friend. This summer we felt our relationship was better than it had ever been and decided it was time to start our family. It was a scary decision but we both prayed about it and felt peace. This baby was 100% planned and we wanted her to complete our family. Seven months later we are getting a divorce (it’s such an ugly word I hate saying it). The last seven months are a blur I don’t understand any of it and I have no answers to your questions. I have spent so much time on my knees pleading with the Lord to fix this. I was willing to endure and change just to be with my husband. Despite the pain and heartache he caused me I needed him and I needed him for this baby. I have come to realize that people change and I thought we were changing in the same direction but that hasn’t been the case.

When something was so good it makes it incredibly difficult to let go. We have been separated since mid December and I miss so many things about him. I miss having a “home”, my “home” has just become a house. I hate being lonely and just not used to it. I miss constant communication with him. I didn’t realize how much we talk during the day until it’s not there anymore. I forget sometimes and reach for my phone to text “I love you” or see what he is doing. I miss seeing the happy goofy Brett. I miss wearing my beautiful wedding ring. It feels so wrong to not wear anything there. About 100 times a day I realize that nothing is there and it takes my breath away. I feel like every day is a constant battle to fight the tears. I miss his affection and his gentle touch. I miss sitting next to him at church and hearing his beautiful voice. Okay you get the picture I miss my husband more than words can express. I wish that missing him were enough to make things better, but it’s not.

(I miss this terribly and wish many times a day I could just relive this happiness for a moment)

I knew I loved Brett and wanted to marry him before he went on his mission, which made him leaving very difficult for the both of us. I hate that I was in that situation I didn’t want to be that girl but I loved him so deeply and couldn’t make it go away. When he left I acted strong for him but inside I was crying every day. I felt so sick I couldn’t eat at first I was a total mess. I felt like he was such a part of me and I just didn’t know how to breath without him and especially for two years. I may have an issue with attaching to things more than is healthy but that is who I am, I’m emotional and passionate. When we got married one thing I said over and over again was I was so happy I never had to let him go and be without him ever again. Eternity wasn’t going to be long enough for me. Now I have to let go again and it hurts worse than the first time. I feel so much grief for my baby girl. I don’t ever want to see her shed one tear because of the struggles of split parents, but I know it’s inevitable. I feel like I’m grieving for all my family that adored Brett. It breaks my heart when they tell me how much they loved him and are really going to miss him.

I have had to put all my trust in my Savior. I don’t understand why my life had to be like this, and I don’t understand what is in store for me, so there is nothing left to do but just trust. All I listen to in my car is the same church CD over and over again because sometimes that all I can do to give me strength to put one foot in front of the other. I hope if I can continue to live my life in accordance with the gospel and be a good mother I will be blessed. It’s hard to wait for those blessings because I feel so lonely and broken now, but in the scope of eternity this is only a small moment. I’ve been so blessed to have amazing friends and family that help me stay positive and keep my chin up. One friend sent me this quote and I love it.

"It isn't as bad as you sometimes think it is, It all works out. Don't worry. I say that to myself every morning. It will all work out. If you do your best, it will all work out. Put your trust in God, and move forward with faith and confidence in the future. The Lord will not forsake us."--President Gordon B. Hinckley

I love my Savior and know that he doesn’t want me to cry or be unhappy. I know he is just a prayer away to comfort me and I can do hard things with him by my side.

Despite finding ourselves on two different paths I hope we will both be able to find happiness in our life. We are both excited for the birth of our baby girl and all I can ask is that we are able to give her the love that she needs.

I have much more to express, but it's late and I know I need my sleep to be able to tackle tomorrow. So here goes the dreaded hour of laying still and letting my thoughts consume me until I get so tired I fall asleep.

With Love

Mickenzie

P.S. I do not expect readers to comment or console me. I just needed someone to listen and that became my dear blog. I know this is awkward and difficult for everyone. The thing I need the most is a smiling friend!