A New Chapter

I’ve been dreading this post but I know it’s what I need to do to give myself closure and move on. Every day I feel myself getting stronger and more used to the fact that my life is different, but there are those things that I’m having a hard time letting go. I can’t seem how to figure out how to let go while at the same time not feeling like I’m letting go of the last six years of my life and everything that it meant. I’m huge on memories and photos. One large thing on my to-do list before baby comes is to clean off my phone and computer of old pictures. Keeping them on there is just asking for random emotional breakdowns. I need to except things will never be how they were and move on. For some reason it seems agonizing to erase the pictures from the last six years. I feel like that is erasing my life and riding it of meaning and purpose. Do I take this photo thing to the extreme? Sometimes I go crazy with taking pictures because I feel like if you don’t have a photo you didn’t live it. When I look at these pictures I’m filled with so much emotion I can hardly bare it. A million happy memories. I look at my expressions and remember exactly how I felt. It doesn’t seem fair that something so good had to end. When I reflect back on all of our memories together it makes what has happened seem even more cloudy.

These are some of my favorite memories that I don't necessarily want to forget because it's part of my life. I'm documenting it so I can say I said it and move forward.

Our honeymoon cruise was the first real adult adventure we had and it was great to just be the two of us

I surprised Brett for his birthday with a trip to Florida and Disney World. That was one of my all time favorite vacations EVER! We had such a blast it was completely stress free I don’t think we got in one argument and it’s Disney World come on! The day we got home we closed on our house lets just say it was a fabulous month.

We have the best neighbors and friends and did so many fun things together

Getting this little muffin was the best decision. I will never forget driving to SLC to get her and how obsessed we were with her.
The best anniversary surprise
Boating has been something we have done every summer and both totally love it. So many great memories out on the water
Graduating was a huge milestone for me and Brett was a big part of that he couldn't have been more supportive

Before getting prego with baby girl we went to the Oregon Coast with my family and had a lot of fun. I love being with my family and so did Brett.


This was the day we found out a little girl would change our lives forever it was one of the best exciting days that we got to share together.

I’m lost on how to let all this go and hopefully with time I will figure it out. I know making a fresh start and not dwelling on all the memories is the first step. All these pictures used to be part of “the plan” the plan to create beautiful memories together, getting to know each other, making friends and building our life before it all changed with children. Now I’m not sure what meaning they have in my life. I know it’s silly to think my life was going to go according to my plan but I had this ideal of marrying a returned missionary, being madly in love, buying a house, graduating college, and starting a family since the time I was 10. I never had a backup plan that was just my plan now I need a new one and it frightens me.

During general conference there was a talk that was for me and I sobbed through it because I knew it, I knew it was my answered prayer. The talk is titled “Faith, Fortitude, Fulfillment: A Message to Single Parents” by David A. Baxter. An excerpt that really touched me:

“This is not exactly what you hoped or planned, prayed for or expected, when you started out years ago. Your journey through life has had bumps, detours, twists, and turns, mostly as the result of life in a fallen world that is meant to be a place of proving and testing.

Meanwhile, you are striving to raise your children in righteousness and truth, knowing that while you cannot change the past, you can shape the future. Along the way you will obtain compensatory blessings, even if they are not immediately apparent.”

That is so true I can shape the future, and I hope there are many great memories and photos to yet be taken. Another talk that humbled me was “And a Little Child Shall Lead Them” by Boyd K. Packer

“Some, due to circumstances beyond their control, are raising children as single mothers or single fathers. These are temporary states. In the eternal scheme of things—not always in mortality—righteous yearning and longing will be fulfilled.”

When I heard that I wrote on a memo pad in my phone righteous yearning and longing will be fulfilled. That gave me a lot of peace. I know if I’m following Christ the way I should I will be blessed and everything will be ok. I just wish I could see this plan because I don’t understand it right now.

I worry that I won’t be happy in love again like I was so is the answer really to get rid of it like it never happened? Now of course I’m not deleting the pictures forever I’m just archiving them, but I know in all reality I probably will never want to dig them back out. I get sad when I see cute romantic things on pinterest or TV because I’m mad I never got the chance to do that. I know I will never take someone or a relationship for granted, but I also don’t want to live in fear that all good things end. I’ve determined that I am an independent person in most ways, but an emotionally dependent person. I like all the warm and fuzzy stuff about life. I have to keep telling myself that I need to learn to trust in the Lord and loose myself in service, but it’s a little easier said than done.

I want to be done with this chapter in my life and start fresh. I’m so excited to hold my baby and be a mom. Despite everything that has happened I’m receiving my most prized blessing, which is being a mom. Growing up I never liked to play with Barbies because they weren’t real but I played house and had my baby doll all the time. I’ve always wanted this and if my life could only have one purpose this is what it would be so I shouldn’t count my blessings short. I know she was supposed to come right now because I need her. I need to be so consumed with her that nothing else matters and I know I will be.

Here is to closing one door and opening another. Now I get to blog about baby stuff, happy stuffJ The nursery has been in progress for 5 months and it’s finally done so I promise pictures coming soon.